lil_wifey

apologies

2009-11-03T19:44:18Z

I just reached out to an ex boyfriend and apologized for being such a shitty person during (and after) our relationship. I watched a video on forgiveness this weekend and his face was the 1st one that popped into my mind. I guess it was time.

I feel better.

Rereading

2009-05-26T16:25:53Z

I read through my old journal last week. It's interesting to me that my memories of the events in my journal have changed over the years, so reading my actual experience was pretty neat.

It kinda ticks me off that I haven't kept this one going as much. I wish I at least had the last three solid years fully documented. It would be nice to read years down the road....even the most mundane days.

Life hasn't changed much for me lately. It's strange that while we're extremely busy and always on the go, most other things are the same. My health is fine, marriage is good, family life is good, work is fine. As strange as this sounds, part of me misses the drama. Even if it's only 1% of me...I'm still not used to everything running so smoothly. Too many years of failed, tumultuous relationships make me wonder when the other shoe will drop and all hell will break loose here. Somehow I can't really see that happening though. My life is comfortable. I'm not bored though. I wonder what the distinguishing factor is between being comfortable and bored? Maybe happiness? I am happy with my life, so maybe that's it.

I don't really have much more to say....I'm sleepy and craving some cuddle time with my honey.

whirlwind

2009-04-24T16:09:31Z

Two weeks ago Ninja and I went to Washington DC and Virginia Beach with some of our friends...we did some business out there.

Last weekend, we were in Greensboro, NC for a business conference.

This weekend, I'm heading up north and my husband is heading to Arizona for a weekend ~ to work with some of our new business partners.

We're really focusing on taking the steps to move on and accomplish our dreams/goals.

I really believe that 2010 is year of the baby. And I can't wait.

stress

2009-03-11T13:08:03Z

Ok...so...I tried to keep it together but I'm stressed.

We are moving at the end of March...we need to be out of our current place by the 31st. So we had to get our security deposit and a month's rent together (over $1000).

My younger brother just informed me last night - LAST NIGHT - that he's getting married that weekend. That is 2 weeks away. Oh, and uh...don't forget to buy a dress and rent Ninja a tux! And did I mention the plane tickets are about $400/per person right now?

When I asked him what the rush was, he told me he's waited long enough and they're ready.

Get ready for it....

THEY HAVE BEEN DATING SINCE OCTOBER 08!

Waited long enough? I'm gonna strangle him!

The whole family is struggling right now to scrape together the money to go down and he doesn't give a crap. It's frustrating that he thinks the world revolves around him. I know it's their wedding, but he just expects everyone to drop everything and make it happen because he doesn't feel like waiting.

I'm so bummed right now. It seems like life is overwhelming today.

♥ Happy 3rd Anniversary ♥

2009-03-09T16:06:30Z

Ninja ~

In old movies people used to say, "I love you so much, I want to shout it from the rooftops so everyone will know!" Because we live in an apartment building and it's winter and facebook will reach a bizillion more people than my 'outside voice', I wanted to publicly express how I feel about you - my husband - on our 3 year anniversary.

Each year of our marriage has been hugely different ~

Year one was the year of bliss. While we had our occasional disagreement, we were too enamored to really care all that much and we truly enjoyed married life. We would laugh in the faces of people who said, "If you get through the first year, you can get through anything!" It was easy, mostly effortless. You could get away with anything because, OMG, you were my HUSBAND!!! I just liked saying it. We were so in love and nothing else in the world mattered!

Year two was our year of...hmm..how shall I put this? It was our year of adjustment. The cutest little quirks became the most ANNOYING.THINGS.ON.THE.PLANET. We realized we weren't going to always agree. We always loved each other but on some days we didn't like each other much. Overall, we weren't willing to step outside of ourselves, see the big picture, and get over my our egos. :) While it wasn't as easy as our first year together, I think most of our problem was just growing pains. We had to realize that we weren't the same person ~ we had different opinions, personalities, and habits.

Year three has been a year of compromise. To me, I've felt it's been the most rewarding so far. In our L&R class, when a question came up about our perception of heaven, you said that the moments when you and I are most in sync, on the same page, and together together, that comfort and peace is how you expect heaven to feel. That night I fell a little more in love with you. That night I wanted to make more of an effort to accept the fact that you aren't always going to put the new toilet paper roll on the the holder and sometimes you might drive too fast for my liking or might not be at your very best first thing in the morning when all I want to do is chat about how you slept! What did you dream? And what do we have planned for the day!?!? And you've let me be who I am even though I have tended to be a little cranky when I'm hungry or bossy when I'm convinced I know the best way to do something or when I forget to be a good listener. We've given each other more space to grow and change into what we're meant to be, not who the other person expects us to be. This last year we haven't been so quick to judge one another or criticize ~ instead we've walked through things together. We are clear on what we want, where we're going, and how we're going to get there and the relief that gives my melancholy mind is more precious to me than you'll ever know.

Knowing that I have a warrior out there daily, fighting for what is right in this world of so many wrongs makes me so very proud to be your wife. I saw a smidgen of your heart when we first met all those years ago, but I'm thankful you've revealed more of it to me now. Thank you for trusting me to keep it whole and unbroken.

More than knowing how much I adore you, you must know that I truly do respect you. Your capacity to give your whole self to others stretches me big time. Over the years, I've seen you give out at least 1000 high fives...and I'm probably waaay low in my 'calculations'. But it seems as though everytime you high five someone, your happiness rubs off on them. In the last three years, I've never seen one person walk away without a smile on their face. Not one. I'd say your record speaks for itself.

Your vision inspires me. When I'm feeling confused about my priorities, or can't seem to see passed the upcoming week, you open my eyes to what the future holds for us and why we have to do things a certain way. You're my big dreamer in a world where so many people are uncertain and doubtful and I can't help but feel blessed every day that you instill such hope in me. The fire might have burned out for my dreams if you wouldn't have shown me the way. Playing follow the leader is so much better when you have a person you trust and I do trust you to lead!

Thank you for getting advice from the right people and actually taking it. I take great comfort in knowing that you're in counsel with people that are rooting for us and only want the very best for our marriage and life in general. The wisdom they've shared with both of us has done wonders...

Speaking of, I wanted to thank the following people for being that example we can turn to. Each of you has had a positive impact on our marriage...you've exuded such peace and happiness and knowing all of you has changed our lives for the better ~ with your example, we're picking up little hints here & there on how to far surpass the 3 year mark:
Thank you:
Ron & Barb, Chris & Tara, Jason & Peggy, Jeff & Kathy, Vince & Amy, Jim & Jenny, Chad & Elisa, Andrew & Jenny, and Paul & Holley. We love you all so much!

Ninja ~ everyday I want to make you happy you chose me. Because everyday I'm so thankful you did.

Happy anniversary, honey ~

S.

renting / babies / hubby / ohmy

2009-02-13T16:00:17Z

I miss writing. I used to write all the time in this thing...or my previous journal and now I just can't seem to make time to get my thoughts out. I'm sure this will be a little haphazard, but I wanted to update y'all....

Life, for me, has been pretty okay lately. Ninja and I are getting ready to move. We spoke with a mortgage guy about possibly buying but the more we thought about it, the more we realized that's not really what we should do at this point. As much as I crave my own space and a yard and multiple rooms/bathrooms, I can't kick this feeling that it's just not right, timing-wise.

Hear me out here...I've tried explaining what we're actually doing to tons of people, but for some reason they just don't get it. I'm a strong believer in delayed gratification and living below your means. I haven't always been that way, but I've learned to make decisions based on what I want MOST, not what I want now. Anyway, Ninja and I found a small apartment in the basement of a guys house. It's one bedroom, one bath/extremely tiny/no dishwasher. However, it's literally $535 with all utilities paid. When we did the math, we'd be saving around $350 a month if we sucked it up and lived there for one year. Almost all our debt could be wiped completely clean and next year when we want to buy our first house and have our first child, old debt won't be hanging over our heads like a black cloud of death.

Part of me screams out, "But I don't know if I can deal with such a small place! I need room!!!" The other part sees it as a wise choice for our future. Part of me is extremely embarassed that we'll be living in a basement...What will people think? The other part of me wants to throw up 2 middle fingers to the people who would judge us negatively for making this choice. Part of me thinks, "But I love to host get-togethers and have family come visit us!" The other part of me thinks it'll be much nicer to invite them over next year when we have a big place with tons of square footage that we can call our own. It's basically the battle of flesh vs. clear thinking. But we're leaning towards it.

A lot of people have outwardly judged that decision, thinking we must be struggling, when in all actuality we've been doing better financially than we ever have - what economic crisis??...some people have silently been judging us ~ it's obvious by the sneers on their smug little faces. It's only a year though, right?

Aside from the house hunting, we've been agressively building our business. Our income from it has gone up significantly in the recent months and I'm finally feeling less concerned about what people think of it. I'm feeling more confident because it's working for us...especially in this economy, all I want to do is help other people and offering this solution seems like the least selfish thing I can do. I'm feeling good about where it's heading.

The baby urge is in full swing. While it was merely a whisper a year ago, it's a full fledged bull horn now. I see a baby and I melt. I see a toddler hug his mom's legs and I can hear my uterus saying, "DUDE! DON'T YOU WANT THAT BY NOW!??!" Looking through pictures of the last year, I noticed a ton of pictures of Ninja holding random babies. He calms them when they're crying...and when I see it, I feel close to tears...it's beautiful. We've seen some of our closest friends have a baby this year and they feel more comfortable giving their daughter to Ninja than anyone else. Barb commented, "I just trust him the most with her." I got all welled up. I never believed people when they said your body tells you when it's time but now I'm a believer. It's another reason why we're getting aggressive with our business goals. Life won't just stop until you quit messing around...the time is now to reach our dreams. I heard a quote the other day that said, "So many people walk this earth like Clark Kent because they don't realize they can fly like Superman." How frickin' true.

Our 3 year anniversary is next month. I'm excited to celebrate with him...I'd love to get away for a weekend. I want to make this one special. Every month on the 9th we celebrate being together ~ we designated a day so we wouldn't forget to make the time for each other in this crazy busy thing called life. It's worked out well, no matter what we do...even if it's cuddling on the couch talking about our future or our love story, I still get goosebumps thinking about how amazing this man is. I know for a fact I don't deserve him. The other day I walked into the bathroom where he was getting ready for our business meeting and he stopped what he was doing to look at me. "You look beautiful, Sarah." And I swear, I've never heard my name sound so precious on someone else's lips than that very moment. I blushed. He still has that affect on me. Dang.

I'm on a weightloss journey. I've lost 10 pounds in the last few weeks. While I feel a bit better, I still have like 50 to go. That number seems daunting so I just take it one day at a time, trying to eat constantly, but eat healthier and low calorie. Since I've kept a food journal, I've been much better. And honestly, I've enjoyed the fruits and veggies. I said something in passing to Ninja because he was talking about how I used to wear bikinis and how I now wear "Grandma" bathing suits - otherwise known as Tankinis. I said, "Fine, this summer I will wear a bikini," and just as soon as the words leapt out of my mouth and he latched on to them, I knew I would have to live up to it. So either I'm going to look like a beached whale or I'm gonna work my butt off (literally) to not embarass myself. I prefer the latter.

I think that's all I have for an update. The men out of our group of friends are cooking a surprise dinner for their wives for Valentine's Day this weekend. I'm really pretty excited about the whole fiasco...I need to go pick out a sassy nailpolish for the occasion. Wish me luck that I make it through their meal alive....thank God my husband is an amazing cook and is leading the way in the kitchen.

*hugs*

text messages

2009-01-05T20:35:45Z

I sent a message to Ninja this morning:
"Imagine sitting on the edge of our private infinity pool, looking out over the ocean as we watch the sunset over Greece. It's week three of our trip and we don't have a return flight yet - we'll book it when we're ready to head home. Maybe tonight we'll head to town to go dancing...who knows..."

He responded:
"As we sit on the terrace eating filet, overlooking the ocean, we hear soft music playing in the background. Is it? Could it be? It is...A Reason. And we look into each others eyes and remember how we felt years ago when money was so tight, dreams were so small, and life just seemed to be closing in on all sides. As the sun sets we just start laughing, thinking of all the choices a little effort and delaying gratification has created for us."

I love that man.

lil_wifey @ 2009-01-02T11:38:00

2009-01-02T17:16:34Z

So I got reminded to post in this thing. Again, too much time has passed since I updated.

This holiday season has been interesting, to say the least...it has been happier and sadder than I can remember past Christmases being...and the distinct contrast between those emotions has seemed almost more than I can bare.

First, ten of the people from our team (including us of course) decided to adopt a family for Christmas. It was a mother and father who couldn't work because of multiple brain and heart surgeries. They had 5 kids, I think the ages ranged from 9 - 14. Their mother had told them that she couldn't afford to give them a Christmas this year so they would go without. Between all of us, we loaded 3 vehicles full of presents for the kids and pitched in for a $400 gift certificate to Walmart for the parents gift. When we delivered the presents a week before Christmas, we filled their tiny house with beautifully wrapped gifts, while the mother sobbed and the children stared at us, wide-eyed. As the mother thanked us again and again, tears rolled down my face. She said her and her family would pray for us and our families. God Bless you, God Bless you. I honestly think it was some of the best money we could have invested. Ninja and I talked later about how the money we spent on the little girl we picked (Sabrina) would have just been wasted on materialistic things for our family. I mean, we bought material items for Sabrina too, but it was a billion times more rewarding to see her sitting on the couch, not even knowing what to say or think, than to give presents to my spoiled step-siblings.

Contrast #1 /
A couple days before Christmas a good friend of ours was killed in a car accident. He was on our business team. We saw him and his wife on a weekly basis ~ we even traveled down to Nashville with them a couple months ago. Did I mention they were only married for a few precious months? He was driving and had three of his good friend as passengers. The weather was horribly icy and snowy, and their car crossed the median and was hit by a semi. He was 23. Ninja got the phone call late one night and I saw the color drain from his face. When he got off the phone, he told me we lost a good friend. We were devastated. The funeral was amazing. The pastor who did it was the same pastor who did all the pre-marital counseling for our friend and his wife. He knew Aaron like a son. They played 3 songs, had friends and family of Aaron tell touching and funny stories about him...but the part that got me was that the pastor didn't pick out the normal scriptures for the funeral....he picked out scriptures from Aaron's journal. The funeral home was packed. It was standing room only and we were packed in like sardines. What a testimony to how many lives Aaron touched.

A good thing that happened was I finally finished the photobook for my dad. I had been working on it since June. It's called 50 Memories & Life Lessons: Things I've Learned from the Smartest Man I Know. It seemed to take forever...but my dad literally sobbed when he read it. When he hugged me, he wouldn't let go. It was the coolest thing....

Contrast #2 /
My step-sister was diagnosed with Anorexia. When I saw her a couple weeks ago, I couldn't believe how tiny she had gotten. She went from 115 to 95. When you hug her you feel like she's going to break in half. It's scary. The doctor gave her a month to get her weight up before they admitted her. I feel completely helpless.

Another bad thing? My sister (a different one than above), who is one of my very best friends, moved to Florida this week. I cried so hard, I probably don't have any tears left. Things got pretty bad with her dad and she thought she'd try her luck down there. Looks like I'll be visiting Florida much more often. She is in the middle of her Junior year. I thought she'd at least stay until she was done with high school. I guess it just got too bad though.

The last bad thing? I've been sick for a week. First it was just flu-ish crap...then it became full-fledged cough/cold/chills/burning up/throwing up ickiness. Today I am back to work -finally. I even missed kissing my husband at midnight on New Years. Blah.

Is summer here yet?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not all doom and gloom. I know things will be better soon. Right now I just feel like moping.

In other news...actual good news...Ninja and I have finally decided when we're gonna start our family......

......and I'll let you know when as soon as I'm pregnant. ;)

what i learned this summer

2008-09-23T16:07:25Z

I guess I should probably update. I mean, I go so long in between entries, I start feeling guilty. I've been writing in a different journal. I guess it's not really a journal...it's more like a daily letter to my husband. I just realized I was forgetting stupid little things that happen between us. A couple times a week something special will happen and I think to myself, "I never want to forget this moment." Inevitably, I do forget. I didn't realize how much I forgot until I read a large portion of my old journal. So I was inspired to start something new. Maybe eventually I will put it into a book for him. But I’m getting a little ahead of myself. He doesn’t know anything about it.

I have to say, this summer flew by. It seems like we did so much running around that it was hard to catch my breath. At the same time it was a summer of self discovery and learning. I learned how strong I can be. How much I can handle. I learned my IQ level. And I’m not talking about the knowledge test, it's what I call the "I Quit" level. I found out that it was higher than I gave myself credit for. I didn't walk away from difficulties. As a matter of fact, I faced them head on and I was honest about my feelings. And by the way, the IQ level has nothing to do with my marriage. I haven't once thought about quitting on that.

I've spent a lot of time over the last couple months really focusing on my friendships. And not how they impact me and make a difference in my life, but how I can unselfishly give myself to others. I’ve read a lot of books and have been working on it daily. I’ve studied the concept of “being a good friend”. The no-strings kind of friendship. I tell you what, it's an amazing feeling to know you're making a difference in other peoples' lives.

I've also said goodbye to some friendships. I heard a while back that people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Some of those seasons are over now. Although it seems sad, I have come to terms with it and feel at peace with it.

There was a younger girl who was involved with our business. Her boyfriend was actively involved and she was around for a good year. When her and her boyfriend broke up, she walked away and shut me out. She couldn't separate our business with our friendship and unfortunately, it's hard to keep a friendship going when one participant isn't trying at all. It broke my heart because I had spent months pouring into her and loving her. I just spoke to her the other day after months of nothing. I found out she’s getting married this weekend. They started dating probably 6 months ago. She didn’t invite me because she didn’t want me to feel awkward, considering the fact I’m still good friends with her ex boyfriend.

When I look at that situation, I realize she was in my life for a reason. She provided me with someone to serve unconditionally and love and help. She kept me excited about our business and our future. She inspired me to be a better person and learn how to be a better leader. Now, I feel like I barely know her, but thank God she was placed in my life for that time period. I hope I provided her with as much as she gave me.

Anyway, this post is heading in all different directions.

I finished a book last night called Letters to Karen. It’s a compilation of letters a father wrote to his daughter when she got engaged, trying to provide wisdom to her as she entered married life. It’s a little old fashioned in some areas, but in others, I thought it was spot on. One thing I read to Ninja last night was “Sex begins at breakfast.” The father was a minister and he counseled many couples. One lady told him how for women, sex begins at breakfast because the whole day can be used as foreplay. If Ninja is loving and present all day, I am much more eager to rock him at night. If there is any turmoil during the day, I feel disconnected and it’s harder to get into that zone. So when I read him that quote last night, he nodded like he understood. Ten minutes later, he was in the kitchen making dinner. Come to find out, he made French toast, hashbrowns, and eggs! I laughed so hard when I realized what he was doing. Needless to say, sex started immediately after breakfast in that case. ;)

I set a personal goal for myself. As you all know, we own our own business where we market for big companies on the internet. One part of the business for me is selling makeup and jewelry. I set a goal to save $2000 from my retail profit to buy my sister her first car. She has no idea. I want to purchase it then pick her up and have her drive. When we are done driving around, I want to ask her if she likes it. If she does like “our new car”, I just want to hand her the keys and give it to her. Ninja agreed with my idea, so I’m trying really hard to sell it quickly to make that happen soon. It is a lot of fun to set goals like that because when I set selfish goals, I barely get off my butt to do anything about it.

Anyway....I'm rambled long enough. Hope everyone is enjoying fall. :)

*hugs*
S.

ugh

2008-07-01T03:52:29Z

I got on the computer at work and typed livejournal.com into the address bar only to find the worst possible words in the dictionary....

DENIED ACCESS

My work blocked this site. :(

Now how am I supposed to post the rest of the series? And more importantly, how the heck am I supposed to make it through 8 hours every day at work!?!?!?

excuses, excuses

2008-06-02T20:26:05Z

I'm sorry it's taking me so long to write up SS#2. But in case y'all didn't know, my Red Wings have been kickin' butt in the Stanley Cup Finals so I have a totally legitimate excuse for why I've been busy. AND there's a good chance I'll have extra time to spend on writing after tonight!

Go Wings!

The Saucy Series

2008-05-20T13:42:07Z

I guess this could also be called "The Slutty Series". I have been thinking lately about my life and my experiences and how these stories aren't doing much good bottled up inside of me. They won't do much good on my journal either, but at least I can share them and someone, even if it's just in the worldwide web, will know. Most of them I'm not proud of. To be honest, I went through a really slutty phase in my high school years and early 20's and it's not documented anywhere. I have alluded to it here and there, but nobody knows who, when, why, etc.

So I decided to start write about that phase of my life. Hence, The Saucy Series.

I am writing this intro post to ask, beg rather, that you don't judge me or my actions. I know some of the things that will be in this series are very very shady. Some might gross you out and others will straight up appall you. I have to remind you that this was me pre-Ninja, pre-God, pre-being a decent human being.   A couple of you know me in real life and I'd prefer it if you would not speak of this outside of the comments to my posts to anyone who might know me. I'm going to go out on a limb and trust y'all.

I also know that some of you might be very offended by what's written here.  I plan on posting these stories "friends only" but will make a filter if people specifically do not want to read. Please let me know in the comments if you want to be filtered out of the reading list.

I will post the first story tomorrow.

26

2008-05-07T18:09:18Z

So yesterday I turned 26.
It amazes me to think that a year has flown by already. I feel like I JUST posted my 25th birthday post last week. I'm inching closer to 30 every second. But I'm excited.

Here's my theory: I think that people only get depressed about getting older when they haven't been living the life they want to. Or they've been holding back in some way.    Do you agree? For me, sure there are things I would want to change....like I'd love to be driving a sporty Infiniti around or live in a mansion or be free from my job, but overall, I'm happy.

Our apartment, while tiny, is still our home. My marriage, while still extremely young, is going well.  Our business, while not exactly where we want it, is still thriving. I'm so grateful for my friends and family and even my job, because there are tons of people who would love to have a job in this state, but don't. And I have one.

I feel like I've been very introspective lately. I have been a reading machine. I finished Og Mandino's The Greatest Miracle in the World a couple days ago and it transformed me. It was my second time through it but somehow this time it hit me harder. All of his books inspire me. They are easy reads but always pack a punch for me. If you are looking for a quick book to read, I'd recommend The Choice or the above mentioned book.

I am blessed. Infinitely. And from now on, I'm going to count my blessings daily. And thank Him for every one of them.

Letter to Ninja - Year 2

2008-03-18T16:19:57Z

Ninja ~

You know how excited I was to get married. I had a romanticized vision of what my life would be like as a wife. Turning into a domestic goddess was something I'd always dreamed about. When we met, I was sure I had met the one. Things seemed perfect...

And then we hit some bumps. Some were little speed bumps ~ easy to get over ~ others seemed like mountains...more of a hike, but after crossing gave us such a sense of accomplishment.

We finally made a decision to grow up and change during our engagement. It definitely wasn't easy. You stopped drinking completely. I had to stop being so demanding and harsh. Both of us were guarded from past hurts but through our relationship we helped eachother soften and trust again. You cultivated my desire to grow into the woman I was meant to be. I finally saw the man I always knew you were. Again, things seemed perfect.

We got married. The first year really was bliss. Everyone always told me to just "make it through the first year" and I'd be all set. Typically, I think that's true for a lot of people because they have to adjust to the idea of marriage. I had been adjusting to the idea since I was 3. Where one of us was weak, the other excelled and vice versa. We were joyful in our disagreements because we were married and knew just how lucky we were to have found each other. People always asked us when we were going to get over that honeymoon phase. We vowed that we never would.

Enter Year 2. Like a ton of bricks dumped on our smug little heads, we found out that marriage wasn't meant to be perfect. Suddenly, we were squaring off over silly stuff like what to cook for dinner and why the other person has to be so damned moody in the morning. Why can't you rinse your dishes? And why on earth do you think it's okay to fold towels against the obvious CORRECT way that my dad taught me? Why are you treating me like a child, instead of your spouse? And countless other nitpicky issues that didn't mean a thing to who we were as individuals and who we were as a couple. It became tiring and it was the first time in our marriage when I thought, "this is hard work." It was the first time I felt like it was a very good thing that we were married because otherwise it might have been too easy to walk away.

But neither of us did. Maybe somewhat because you and I are two of the most stubborn people I've ever known, but mostly because we made a commitment in front of God, family, and friends that we were going to make it. More importantly, we made that promise to each other, to our best friend and soul mate. We were going to prove the statistics wrong.

A few months ago, we started the Love & Respect classes at church. Slowly but surely we were finding out the things we had been doing wrong. We started tweaking our attitudes and our words. We began expressing our thoughts and feelings differently. And we made it over another mountain.  This time, our excitement over our breakthrough was undeniable. Each Sunday we have another piece to our puzzle.  No longer does it seem necessary to be be perfect. Now it's more important to enjoy being perfect FOR each other.

I've never been more excited about our future than I am right now.  Our third year is going to be amazing.

As long as you learn how to fold the damn towels.

xoxo,
S.

changing thought process

2008-02-08T15:48:19Z

Tuesday night, Michigan was hit with freezing rain storms. Ninja and I were at a business meeting; we drove separate and he left early.  He got into a car accident.

The roads were covered in slush and his car had a bad shock in the back. He hit some slush that caused a slight fish-tail and when he went to tap his brakes, he realized he didn't have any. He did a 360 in the middle of one of the busiest highways in Michigan. He slammed into the median full speed and his car was totalled.

As I was on my way to the scene of the accident, I called my dad to try to pull it together before I got to Ninja.

The weight of the situation was suffocating.  I was crying like crazy thinking about my husband and all the things we've gone through together. Was I a good wife that day? That week? That month? The last two years? Did I show him how very special he was to me and how much I needed him in my life? If he could go back and do it again, would it be worth it to him? As soon as I heard of the accident I was convicted deep within my heart of hearts that I wasn't doing EVERYTHING I could do on a daily basis to be a blessing to him. You may not have the same belief system as I do, but I believe he was meant to be my other half since before we were brought into this world. What kind of slap in the face has it been to God, who I believe created Ninja FOR ME, when I am not doing what I can for the precious gift I was given?

I am not saying our marriage has been bad, or even mediocre. I have always thought we had a great marriage...but everything can be better. I can give more. I can love more. I can be more selfless.

And what if he wouldn't have opened the remains of his car door and walked away, completely unscathed except a minor bump on his head?

This wasn't meant to sound so dramatic...I just wanted to post this, mostly as a reminder to myself of how much I need him and as a little self check of my attitude and actions toward him on a daily basis.

loft living

2008-01-29T16:39:27Z

....I fell in love last night...

From the time I was a little girl I've always had fantasies about living in a loft somewhere in the city. Lofts are made out to be so glamorous and high-class, with their exposed brick walls and high ceilings. In movies, lofts are portrayed as being modern and trendy and always bigger than that one person needs. But they've always intrigued me.

The last couple weeks we've been searching for a new apartment/house/condo or whatever. Our apartment complex has gone through some changes in management and unfortunately, it hasn't been a positive change. Our air conditioner only works part time. Same with our heater. Also, I wouldn't recommend taking showers where you are standing in 5 inches of soapy water because your drain isn't doing what it's supposed to do....such as DRAINING. So we went to visit some places in Metro Detroit. I wasn't overly impressed with any of them. For the most part they were asking waaay too much money for the size and quality of the apartment. I also don't want to worry about getting mugged when I get out of my car.

So originally I thought I'd eventually move to New York or Chicago or L.A. Somehow I never imagined we'd find the perfect loft less than a mile from where we live now. Ninja and I live in a small town...less than 10000 people. The downtown area is cute. I always liked it but didn't give it much thought. But last night, our last appointment for the night, was to see a loft in our cute little downtown. The building used to be a hotel, but the owners converted it into loft apartments. As soon as I stepped inside, I think I literally squealed. I have never been more excited about an apartment! Brand new wood trim around every doorway and arch. Twenty-two foot ceilings. One and a 1/2 bathrooms. Closets the size of our second bedroom now. An actual pantry! A MASTER bedroom that is big enough for a bed....4 beds, if we wanted! THE.EXPOSED.BRICK.I'VE.ALWAYS.DREAMT.ABOUT!!

Unfortunately, as excited as we were about that apartment, it's a little out of our price range. It's not expensive, and we could afford it, but our budget would have to tighten a bit and I'm really not excited about the thought of ramen noodles for the next year. The owner of the building said he will have another apartment available when our lease is up that's less pricey, so he's going to keep in touch with us. Please cross your fingers for us, because as I said earlier, I really did fall in love.

Anyone looking to move to a small town and room with a really cool married couple? haha ;)

lil_wifey @ 2008-01-15T15:02:00

2008-01-15T20:09:47Z

Typically, I don't listen to a ton of music on the radio when I'm in my car. I usually listen to cds and when I do have the radio on, it's tuned in to Christian music. However, today I stumbled across a song and I was totally blown away by it. Yes, I am a typical romantic type of girl that gets all mushy gushy over cute love songs.....

.....but when I heard Christina Aguilera's song "Save Me From Myself", I felt a lump in my throat and was actually moved. It's weird how that can happen out of the blue. I don't know why this song touched me so much. Maybe I'm premenstral. Either way, if you have a significant other in your life and don't feel the slightest bit misty as Christina is singing this, I'd be shocked. As a matter of fact, you might be heartless.

My suggestion? If you haven't heard that song, do yourself a favor and listen. It's really beautiful.

Another month gone by...

2008-01-14T20:18:02Z

Sorry for the lack of updates. My boss has been keeping me so busy on project after project that my head has been on the verge of exploding for about a month now. Today through Wednesday, Bossman is gone and I am here relaxing and enjoying my deadline free day.

Tonight I'm going to a rally for one of the presidential candidates. NO it's not Hillary. I have debated on whether or not I should post about choice for Prez on LJ but feel it might not be so pretty since (I think) most of my online friends have very different viewpoints and I don't want to offend anyone. However, I am excited about this election. Kinda excited and kinda nervous considering some of the candidates give me a slight desire to move to a different country if chosen to run this one. I have been paying very close attention to the poles, primaries, and debates. It's the first time I feel like I am going to be a well-informed voter. Before I knew some of the main topics but more or less went with my father's opinion because he's been someone I've always trusted when it comes to leadership and values. He's proven to be spot on, to tell you the truth. This year might be the first time our opinions differ.  But I'm okay with that too. Tomorrow I am going to vote in the primaries (another first for me) but I'm definitely looking forward to it.

I'm a strong believer in voting. I think it's a privilege many Americans take for granted.  I'm very happy to report that before my Ninja couldn't have cared less about politics but now he's very content watching and yelling at the debates we've watched on YouTube. Makes me proud. haha

Apart from politics, our business has been thriving! Ninja and I are on the same page and pushing forward together and it's shown in the increase of checks we've received! We have new products that I'm super excited about...skin care, meal bars, new drinks, etc....it it easier than ever to sell our products. My friends and family have been so supportive by being customers and they've been happy with the products too.  Win/win for all. A couple more years of this hard work and we'll be golden. Can't wait.  This weekend we're going to Nashville for a business conference. For Christmas I got a $100 gift card to Macy's from my boss and I finally went to spend it. I ended up with a few cute outfits for the trip.

Not much more to report. Christmas and New Years were wonderful, but busy....life overall has been great. I have tons of pictures to post but haven't gotten around to doing it yet...I apologize for that...

Anyway. *hugs* Have a good remainder of your week.

Winter is coming

2007-12-04T20:38:47Z

Crazy how it's December and there's not enough snow on the ground to speak of. It's cold though. I stepped outside to grab lunch and it hurt my skin.

Ok...ready for Spring now. I don't get the snow lovers out there. Christmas, of course. December 26th, melt it all.

Today we woke up and the hubby wasn't feeling well. He stayed home today from work and it was so hard to pull away from his warm body and hop in the shower. Ugh. He was so cozy.

I'm a walking billboard for "What Not to Wear" today. I am wearing the cute little black flats that are popular with jeans...and they would be cute, except I'm wearing black socks with them, along with black pants and they are all different color blacks. Ha! My hair is pulled back in a low ponytail and the frizziness has reached an alltime high. I'm almost embarrassed....but not. Nobody is really in the office today so who cares?

I guess I didn't have much to say...I hope everyone is enjoying December so far....Christmas is almost here!

stretched

2007-11-30T14:51:04Z

Some of our business mentors recently received a $15k bonus from the business we are a part of. J, the husband, gave K, the wife, $1000 to spend on whatever she wanted. The rule was that she could not spend it on him or on their three kids. K decided to do her shopping at Somerset Collection, instead of somewhere in Cincinnati, where she's from.

A whole bunch of ladies in our business have a yearly tradition around Thanksgiving to go shopping with $5000 monopoly money. We go to Somerset Collection and "spend" our money by taking pictures of us wearing the clothes or wearing the jewelry, or with whatever we decide to "buy". The purpose of this is to stretch us and help us actually start believing that we will buy these items someday.

K had already decided that she wanted to buy a couple things specifically. She had gone online and picked out a Coach purse and a Coach wallet so that was the first thing she was going after. Unfortunately, that would have only left her with about $300 to spend for the rest of the day. Cue the romance....

Before we went shopping, while we were waiting for the rest of the girls to show up, J said he had something for K before she took off.

"I called ahead to the Coach store here and they didn't have the wallet that you wanted in stock, so here you go. This obviously doesn't count toward your $1000, but I wanted you to have some place to put your money." He smiled and K got all teary eyed. They hugged and I thought it was such a sweet gesture....

Then he pulled away.

"And actually when I got talking to them, they informed me that they didn't have the purse either, so I went ahead and got you the purse you wanted to...so you'd have some place to put the wallet." K's face lit up...she got super emotional and all of us ladies were "awwww-ing".

I thought, how awesome is that that because of this business, they live a life of abundance, where he can do that for his wife just for the heck of it? I mean, maybe some of you get to spend tons of money on whatever you want, but I haven't yet. I've never gone and blown large amounts of money and even when I spend a little money, on whatever, I feel guilty. It'll be so nice in the next couple years when I will have earned the right to spend all sorts of money on frivolous things.

So this year, because K got $1000, our budget was $1000. I bought a pair of shoes, a necklace from Swarovski Crystal, and a business jacket. I was stressing because I had only spent a couple hundred dollars and I had a couple minutes to go...I ran upstairs in Nordstrom and found a jacket I loved which happened to be $800. HA!

Anyway, we had a good time. K got tons of clothes from Ann Taylor and White House/Black Market and also got a necklace from Tiffany & Co.

If you had $1000 to blow, what would you buy??

This time I really will! :)

2007-11-29T17:46:31Z

Repond to this and I'll:

1. Tell you why I friended you.

2. Associate you with something - fandom, a song, a color, a photo, etc.

3. Tell you something I like about you.

4. Tell you a memory I have about you.

5. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.

6. Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.

7. In return you must post this in your LJ.

Breakup

2007-08-30T20:24:15Z

No, there is nothing wrong with Chad and I. We are still happily married...I've just been thinking a lot about my life ~ my past, present, and future and for some reason I feel like I need to write this entry.

I just spent the last hour or so reading one of my friend's livejournals. I like to learn about people and what makes them tick...what they've gone through to get to where they are now, etc. When I read this girl's journal, particularly about a very painful breakup, my heart broke for her. Hell, my heart broke for ME too!   Reading about her pain and struggle to mend reminded me a lot of what I went through. I guess I don't know why I'm rehashing all this stuff...but I feel like it...

My first love was puppy love. B. was the guy I lost my virginity to. His penis was the first I ever saw. I remember being absolutely mortified when I saw it....like, "Dear God, you're kidding me right?!" Tomorrow will be my 11 year anniversary of when I lost my virginity! Wow...time flew by. Anyway...about 5 months after we started dating, we had sex...about 3 months after that, I got pregnant. Throughout our relationship, B cheated on me like crazy. I don't know why I expected any different ~ he was only 15 at the time. Either way, I was heartbroken, but nothing even close to as bad as my second love.

J. and I met when he was the teachers assistant in my band class...he was a few years older and was dating my best friend at the time (remember this, as this will come into play later). They broke up and suddenly he was interested in me. I'm sure his original motive was to make her jealous, but of course I didn't think about this at the time. He totally wooed me. He did the flowers and poems ~ even though he claimed he wrote them when, in fact, that was untrue ~ he would lavish me in attention and boy, did he pour it on thick. But I ate it up. I felt special and loved and needed and life was good. Until the first time we broke up. I honestly can't remember why we broke up the first time. I'm sure he was probably cheating on me. He did this often. I wish I had the desire to write down all the slimey things he did and how many times I caught him doing them. Unfortunately, I'd lose so much self respect in the process, it wouldn't be worth it. I think this was where my poor self image started. Even though B. had cheated on me before, he didn't have me so wrapped up in him that it did unrepairable damage. With J., it did. My world was revolving around him and he didn't prove to be a very good sun. I remember feeling so much self loathing at that time in my life, that when we were together and he "loved" me, I was happy and when he'd dump me for the next piece of ass, my world would spin out of control. Lucy, Jamie, Vanessa, Christina...and those are the ones I knew of. I started literally hating myself and he fed into it. Our relationship got to the point where I was literally an emotional basketcase, wondering why he couldn't love me. Why I couldn't make him happy. It was the most miserable time in my life. But I couldn't let go of him. I remember times when I'd be crying and shaking so violently, that my hurt was tangible. I was actually feeling physical pain. Heartbreak was no longer just a term people used, it was the act of my heart being shredded, ripped, and sliced.

But I still didn't let go. I dated other guys during our intermissions.   Many of them were wonderful guys ~ guys that promised me the world and a few of them would have treated me like gold. I couldn't walk away. I took the abuse. I wasn't strong enough to leave completely because I was so used to getting my value from him. Finally I met A. I started falling for him and slowly the chains of attachment turned to strings and one by one, I was untying that bond. I wasn't completely there when the inevitable happened...but I was close.

I noticed my best friend at the time was talking a lot to him. They would chat and I had hunches that they were hanging out - with or without other people. I finally found out (and for the life of me, I can't remember if it was in person or on the phone, though I think it was by phone) that they were dating.  This was the girl that I told everything to. She was my confidante. She saw all the crap and all the pain. I warned her about him.  The warning wasn't enough. And they became boyfriend and girlfriend. He didn't quit calling. He even had the nerve to invite me over when she was going to be gone. He begged me. I am glad I didn't. Who knows what kind of gypsy mind tricks he'd pull and how many regrets would come from that. I am glad I let myself pull away even more. A few more strings of attachment were cut and that got me a step closer to getting completely over him. At the time, I felt so betrayed, I swore I'd never talk to her again. You can call it karma, or sowing and reaping, or what goes around comes around or whatever you want. But I got mine. It came back around. I deserved it.

After A. and I broke up, I met Ninja. I was consumed with love. He was my saving grace. We went through some really rocky times in the beginning and had a very immature love but he was the one who finally healed my wounds. I remember the time I realized I was totally and completely over J. It was 3:00 in the morning and I was in bed with Ninja.  My phone rang. I answered and it was J. He was drunk.  He started rambling about what a bad person he was and how he messed up everything that was good in his life. He continued for a minute before I stopped him. I told him that I appreciated him and he did something awesome with his life. I explained that it was his stupidity that made me appreciate what I had. It was because he treated me so poorly that I realized how wonderful I had it with Ninja. I thanked him. I hung up and settled back into my cozy bed. Ninja asked who it was. I said "No one". And at that point I finally realized that he was no one. He didn't have power over me. He couldn't make me feel worthless. He couldn't make me cry or take my innocence. He was nothing and my indifference was so.completely.liberating.

So at that point I got over him.

But at THIS point, I've finally forgiven him. And I've forgiven my best friend.

Life is too short to settle for something that is less than you deserve. It takes a strong person to walk away from something that is comfortable, even if you know in your heart of hearts that it's not right. I'm not just talking about guys as bad as J. I'm talking about any person that you know isn't right for you.

To the person whose journal I read. I know that your breakup was extremely hard for you. But you WILL find a person who will more than fill that void. Be patient.....it will come. :)

I'm not going to deny or confirm who this message is directed toward.

lil_wifey @ 2007-08-17T16:47:00

2007-08-17T21:18:57Z

What is your idea of romance? Is it dinner by candlelight? Rose petals scattered around the house? Walks on the beach?

That was my idea of romance...actually I would still find those acts really romantic...but somewhere in the last three years of togetherness with Ninja ~ particularly in the last year of married life ~ I've found that my definition has changed. I feel the love and romance in little moments that don't have all the hype. Like last weekend.

Last Sunday we decided to go "dreambuilding"...like go look at luxury houses and cars and pick out things we want someday in our future. It was really cool walking through a 2.5 million dollar home and picking it apart ~ like how we would change the kitchen just a bit and how the closet of the 6th bedroom needed to be a little bigger. We held hands and ran around like little kids. It was amazing.

At the car dealerships, we picked out our cars. I want an Infiniti FX35. It's not super luxury but they are nice enough. Ninja picked out a Maserati Quattroporte. And before we left, he saw through the window of the dealership his mack daddy racing car...a Maserati MC12. Just to watch him look at that car made me happy...to see the little boy come out and get all giddy over a racecar...

But the best part was driving around a really swanky neighborhood and checking out people's homes. We were taking tons of pictures and invading all sorts of privacy, but weren't doing any harm. We were driving around this lake with tons of super sweet houses and across the lake, I saw this humongous church. I'd never seen a church like that in person, so we drove over to check it out. It was starting to get dark and nobody was around...so we walked around the property and took pictures. It was breathtakingly beautiful. Of course, the pictures don't do it justice, but the time I got to spend with my husband while walking quietly around that church on the lake is time I wouldn't trade for that 2.5 million dollar house. It was literally....just .....amazing. So anyway...here are the pictures...please excuse my bad complexioned face ~ I was three days away from my monthly friend.

What we'd look like as Simpsons

2007-07-11T14:54:32Z

Celebrating Freedom

2007-07-06T20:39:12Z

I'm one of those people who is ridiculously patriotic. I believe in the red, white, and blue. I stick up for the soldiers overseas, I even pray for the President (GASP!!!). I boldly challenge anyone who has a problem with this country. I despise the people who publicly attack it - verbally or physically. And how stupid is it that there are people who are ridiculing the war & the soldiers when the soldiers are the ones fighting for your freedom (including freedom of speech, moron). To me, if you are lucky enough to live here and be an American, you should appreciate our freedom and what the USA has to offer. If you don't ~ please leave. Permanently. I'll even pitch in on the one way ticket out.

Sorry for the rant. Moving on.

Needless to say, the 4th of July is one of my favorite holidays. This year we had some of our friends over to celebrate with. My parents, who happen to be vacationing on Lake Tahoe, offered their place for our festivities. We swam, played volleyball, ate tons of yummy food, and relaxed. I'm attaching pictures of my day...Enjoy.

My hubbie being a big dork. Prior to throwing this up, he said, "C-wizzle representin'!!" lol He's so white.

A couple of my girls - Kati & Kayleigh

Some of our best friends in the world. JB & JB are getting married this month! Yey!

One of the many volleyball tournaments

The girlies enjoying the hottub on rafts ~ don't ask! :)

Ron thinks he's superman

This looks so wrong. But the guys were just playin' basketball. I promise.